I started this blog to help me cope with my life, since my last blog entry things have changed in my life. Someone has come into my life who has had a big positive change. I am no longer on my own, I have found my life partner. He is my everything, and he understands my health issues and he looks after me. It may seem like things have gotten so much better and all the problems are solved. But sadly no, they aren’t.
Having someone in my life who is always there for me is absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing. But that doesn’t mean my every day chronic pain and chronic fatigue just disappear. If anything things have slowly gotten worse, there are days I struggle to walk to I got myself a walking stick. There are days I can barely keep my eyes open and struggle to be able to do anything. I feel worthless and useless, yet I do have something worth fighting for, and that is my partner.
Things like this don’t just disappear, my depression is still very much here and it can be quite crippling. I cry often, I have to force myself to do something, anything so I don’t feel like absolute shit. It is a struggle every second of every day, and as much as I try to make others understand, no body really does unless they suffer the same thing. My partner is as understanding as they come, he listens and takes everything in. He too has pain he suffers, so he can relate to things, and he has struggled with depression as well.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have any kind of normal life, the struggle to just have a normal day is such a big one. Lately I have been trying to get in some walking, it might go well for a few days but then the crippling pain sets in and I can’t do much for days on end. Lately I have felt like no body likes me, I don’t quite understand interactions, I over think every little thing, and I can’t shake the paranoia of it all. I did solid counseling for months and while I felt I came out of it a bit better, I still struggle badly with everything. I can try and tell myself to stop over thinking but it still happens.
I really need to keep up this blogging journal, and vent out how I feel. It doesn’t matter too much to me if no one reads it, as long as I get it all out.