Talk about having a bad night, I was wide awake till the wee hours of this morning thanks to agonising pain in my legs, thanks Fibro! I have no idea when I eventually fell asleep, it was however well after the tears from the pain and after taking an ibuprofen in vain. I wound up waking up early, feeling like I had been hit by a brick wall. I had to get up, my dog Roddy needed to go out and pee (I needed to pee, damn full bladder) and he needed to be fed. Now for the last week or so, if I wake up I have been making myself stay up, even if I wake up at 6am. But not this morning, after feeding Roddy I found myself back in bed, my eyes were burning and even then I had trouble getting back to sleep. I eventually woke at around 11:30am, something I hate doing. But I needed the sleep and naturally I am still bloody tired and I have no energy.
I am hoping (again probably in vain) that a drink of d-ribose powder may help but so far I haven’t felt any different taking the stuff. I know we are all different, so I am still holding out hope. I really don’t like thinking negatively about things, but when seemingly nothing works, my mind just automatically goes that way. As much as I try to get my mind away from the negative thinking, it feels like it is on auto pilot. Last year when I was in counselling (I had to stop because I couldn’t afford $130 a week, and my subsidised sessions were used up), I was taught this method of retraining my brain (thanks to Fibro fog I can’t bloody remember what it is called), and I often use that to help but more often than not it fails.
I am hoping to get back into counselling, even if I have to fake being positive so my brain will behave I want to do it. Fear of the unknown doesn’t help, I don’t know whether it will help or not, but considering how tough this year has been and having spent two months without my mother who I live with because she was away, was such a challenge. I came to realise I can’t actually do things people take for granted, some days I couldn’t cook a meal for myself, or manage to shower, or even to get up and dress myself (I spent a lot of time in my PJs or trackies). I am making an effort to get dressed each day and not be in trackies, no matter what is going on. Today though I am in my trackies, and I will attempt to dress myself.
My own future is very uncertain, I may never be able to work or have any kind of normal life, but if I can make it out of bed and do a few normal things, I know my own mental health will be thankful for that. So what does today hold? Well I will attempt to get myself dressed, I am shocked I can type because my hands are in so much pain and I am having trouble just gripping anything, and whether I go out or not, remains to be seen. If anything I want to get some reading done and aim for a cinema trip tomorrow.
Well I am just blabbing here but it helps to get it all out and not keep things bottled up. Maybe this will give some insight into what it is like for me and others who suffer these same issues.