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Well it has been awhile ….

I started this blog to help me cope with my life, since my last blog entry things have changed in my life. Someone has come into my life who has had a big positive change. I am no longer on my own, I have found my life partner. He is my everything, and he understands my health issues and he looks after me. It may seem like things have gotten so much better and all the problems are solved. But sadly no, they aren’t.

Having someone in my life who is always there for me is absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing. But that doesn’t mean my every day chronic pain and chronic fatigue just disappear. If anything things have slowly gotten worse, there are days I struggle to walk to I got myself a walking stick. There are days I can barely keep my eyes open and struggle to be able to do anything. I feel worthless and useless, yet I do have something worth fighting for, and that is my partner.

Stormy

Things like this don’t just disappear, my depression is still very much here and it can be quite crippling. I cry often, I have to force myself to do something, anything so I don’t feel like absolute shit. It is a struggle every second of every day, and as much as I try to make others understand, no body really does unless they suffer the same thing. My partner is as understanding as they come, he listens and takes everything in. He too has pain he suffers, so he can relate to things, and he has struggled with depression as well.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have any kind of normal life, the struggle to just have a normal day is such a big one. Lately I have been trying to get in some walking, it might go well for a few days but then the crippling pain sets in and I can’t do much for days on end. Lately I have felt like no body likes me, I don’t quite understand interactions, I over think every little thing, and I can’t shake the paranoia of it all. I did solid counseling for months and while I felt I came out of it a bit better, I still struggle badly with everything. I can try and tell myself to stop over thinking but it still happens.

I really need to keep up this blogging journal, and vent out how I feel. It doesn’t matter too much to me if no one reads it, as long as I get it all out.

Not another panic attack

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Yes, while I don’t want to openly admit it, I will. I had a panic attack in the wee hours of last night, early this morning.

Pretty much everything is getting to me, the weekend being a big event with Armageddon, the stress, just everything really got to me. The journey to get to the event if I use public transport is between 1 to 2 hours, which is a lot and public transport in big doses sets off symptoms and headaches. I don’t want to go to an event feeling like crap upon arrival, I actually want to have a good time.

Being told that I may have to do that is a nightmare, I didn’t think driving as a favour was too much to ask. It is worrying me that being able to go to a Con is now such a difficult task. My last Con I almost collapsed and I had trouble walking, thankfully I had some good friends who gave me a place to rest for that second afternoon.

I really want to take my niece to this con, she loves all this stuff and I know she will have a blast. Her parents don’t want to take her, and fair enough it isn’t their thing and they are happy if I want to. I do want to, I want to show her everything and introduce her to friends. She is a mini geek, and this is something I know she will enjoy. Will it be added stress? Maybe, but the stress of public transport and having to stay at the event longer than I want to is much more stress.

Up until last night I had a decent day too, I had my first counseling session, which went really well. I feel like I have finally found someone who understands me and took in everything I had to say. Unlike the last counselor I saw, he doesn’t have that ‘quick fix’ attitude like she did. I really felt a weight lift off me by getting everything out, doing it face to face with someone who was actually listening.

Not sure how things will work out this weekend, depends I guess. I feel like in this case I need to be selfish and think about my health. I always put everyone else first and yesterdays counseling session made me realise I need to put myself first once in a while and not feel guilty about it.