Tag Archive | fibro

Well it has been awhile ….

I started this blog to help me cope with my life, since my last blog entry things have changed in my life. Someone has come into my life who has had a big positive change. I am no longer on my own, I have found my life partner. He is my everything, and he understands my health issues and he looks after me. It may seem like things have gotten so much better and all the problems are solved. But sadly no, they aren’t.

Having someone in my life who is always there for me is absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing. But that doesn’t mean my every day chronic pain and chronic fatigue just disappear. If anything things have slowly gotten worse, there are days I struggle to walk to I got myself a walking stick. There are days I can barely keep my eyes open and struggle to be able to do anything. I feel worthless and useless, yet I do have something worth fighting for, and that is my partner.

Stormy

Things like this don’t just disappear, my depression is still very much here and it can be quite crippling. I cry often, I have to force myself to do something, anything so I don’t feel like absolute shit. It is a struggle every second of every day, and as much as I try to make others understand, no body really does unless they suffer the same thing. My partner is as understanding as they come, he listens and takes everything in. He too has pain he suffers, so he can relate to things, and he has struggled with depression as well.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have any kind of normal life, the struggle to just have a normal day is such a big one. Lately I have been trying to get in some walking, it might go well for a few days but then the crippling pain sets in and I can’t do much for days on end. Lately I have felt like no body likes me, I don’t quite understand interactions, I over think every little thing, and I can’t shake the paranoia of it all. I did solid counseling for months and while I felt I came out of it a bit better, I still struggle badly with everything. I can try and tell myself to stop over thinking but it still happens.

I really need to keep up this blogging journal, and vent out how I feel. It doesn’t matter too much to me if no one reads it, as long as I get it all out.

Yikes I haven’t posted for awhile …

I haven’t posted for awhile, it has been a busy few days. Friday I was out all day, in the city doing media for Armageddon Expo and then Saturday I attended Armageddon Expo. Those two days have set off a big flare up and my fatigue has been horrendous, today wasn’t as bad but still I am not doing well.

I had a busy day today, accompanied Mum to the dentist, then we went to Doncaster and had lunch. Got some party supplies for my birthday BBQ on Saturday and then we went to Greensborough Plaza for a few things.

Finally resting, and tomorrow I have counseling and then Physio in the afternoon.

If I wasn’t with a bad headache I would be writing more.

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Another sleepless night

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This is where I wish I was right now …

Oh boy, yet another sleepless night. I have no idea how long it took me to eventually fall asleep, even though I felt so tired. I kept waking up once I did fall asleep and I woke up in a cold sweat. I ended up trying to get more sleep this morning but it didn’t amount to much. I was in and still am in a lot of pain.

Yesterday I felt the fatigue really badly, I went to the park but I didn’t last too long before needing to go home. I went back out later and I got a wrist/hand support, they only had one in my size, so I need to alternate which hand it goes on. I feel a touch better with it on, but I really do need to have one on both hands. The pain in my hands and wrist has gotten so bad, it is really upsetting to not be able to hold things, struggle just using my phone and I am fighting the pain and movement to actually type.

I managed to get more reading done with Horns, what a book. Once I finish it I hope I can watch the film version, definitely curious to see how they adapted it. I wrote a review for Gone Girl, only took me a little over a week and my hands are aching from it.

I haven’t felt any changes either from taking the d-ribose powder, which I have upped to 5mg 3 times a day as instructed for Fibro and CFS. I am still getting my low impact exercise every day and if I try to do a bit more, it’s a nightmare. I wanted to start a program at the gym, low impact on one machine for 15 minutes twice a week, and I may have to start with one day a week.

Just getting worse week by week is horrible, I am at my wits end, it is hard to see a life where my symptoms aren’t ruling my life. I wonder if I was ever meant to see any good days with minimal pain ever again. I guess it has to be taken a day at a time, and I can’t tell what will happen but my faith seems to be slipping away.

I am doing all the right things, yet just getting worse. I guess I can see the positive, I am alive and I have family and friends who love me. But no one really seems to understand how I feel and how having these chronic illnesses is absolutely horrible and a disability. Again I hope this blog opens up at least someones eyes as to what it is like.

For now, I am going to try and rest up and aim to hopefully go see a film tomorrow and maybe just maybe it wont result in a migraine.

Rest – where are you?

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So yesterday was not a bad day, it wasn’t really a good one either. The pain was really bad, and since the afternoon my left knee has been in so much pain, I can’t put any weight on it. My hands haven’t been any better, I couldn’t even open my juice this morning. It is weeks like this I am at my wits end, everything is so frustrating. The fatigue is awful and I push myself, probably far too much. The pain is so awful and I feel utterly useless. I do everything that I am supposed to, yet I see no improvements and things get worse.

I do need proper rest but my own mind can’t just relax, I feel like I need to be doing things. Meditation is actually such a difficult task because I can’t seem to shut down. I really just have no idea anymore, I guess I need to go with the flow?

I will be looking into counseling next week, I will get Mum to go with me and organise it. I need to drop off my saliva for a midnight saliva test I did to check my cortisol. I got the papers to do the test in May and I only picked up the kit yesterday, this is how bad my memory is. Will go back to the Doctors next week and see the results and discuss perhaps seeing about specialist. I am tempted to apply for a Disability Parking Permit, and for the DSP again, this country and this ridiculous government are making it so difficult for people who actually need help and support to get it. Not everyone is a liar and using the system, I actually need the help and I have no idea if I will get it.

I forgot to check the chemists yesterday for something for my hands, will have to try today. I did treat myself yesterday to some Lego minifigs to try lift my mood and I got Maleficent on blu-ray, which I really enjoyed watching. I read more of Horns, an interesting book. Looks like I will be going to the park for a bit with the family, and my aim for the afternoon is REST! Seriously I need rest, why wont I cooperate with myself?