Tag Archive | fibromyalgia

Insert Witty Title Here

fibromyalgia-cycle

I can’t even think of a title for this blog entry, how lame is that? Well I didn’t actually write an entry yesterday because it was a pretty bad day. I couldn’t really type, I was in so much pain, just being on my phone was difficult. I didn’t sleep much and I was in so much pain all over, I barely made it through a short trip to Woolies. The headache was hitting early, so I made it to my local massage place. I had a neck, shoulders and arms massage, painful as anything but it did loosen up my muscles and hopefully blood is flowing better now. After that I came home and had lunch, barely made it through a walk with my dog and I ended up in bed for several hours. After that I just relaxed on the couch and I finished reading Horns. I ended up watching the film as well and had a restless night. That was my Sunday.

I am not having as much trouble walking today, but the pain is so bad. My hands aren’t too bad so I am obviously able to type. It will be *gulp* period time soon so I will be basically useless. Not sure what today holds, but this week I will be getting forms for DSP and the Disabled Parking, as well as looking into the counseling again and seeing my GP at the end of the week when my saliva test results are back in. I want to get the ball rolling as quick as possible, Mum goes away again for a couple of weeks soon. Not really looking forward to being on my own again, in fact it scares me. I struggled last time and my symptoms have been all over the place lately. so I guess I will see.

I plan to go to Armageddon Expo this weekend, I am excited but also not due to how I have been feeling this week. I don’t know how long I will last, if I will manage things, it does scare me but I can’t think about it now because I wont know how my symptoms are being until the end of the week. I like to think ahead and make plans if I can, I like to have a schedule, so I can pace myself.

And next weekend I am having my 30th birthday BBQ, I haven’t had many RSVP’s, which automatically makes me think no one likes me. Which I am sure isn’t the actual case, but that is where my mind automatically goes. Whatever the case, whether a few friends show up or more, I want to have the best time I can have. I know I have missed friends birthdays due to my health and I feel so bad about it, to the point I have cried over it. I can’t help but feel people not coming is their way of making it up to me for not going to theirs. I really don’t know, I haven’t felt happy about this upcoming BBQ, because I keep picturing myself sitting there all alone. I know that what be the case, I just need a pick me up in terms of people actually showing interest.

Don’t know what the rest of Monday has in store for me, I may continue on with another book, I have lots to read and again it is the one thing I can seem to manage even if my concentration is all over the place and I need to reread pages because things went over my head.

Pain filled day yesterday but the sun is out today

tree-sunshine-1920x1080-146

After yesterdays non sleep and total fatigue, the rest of the day was not really that pleasant. The pain was horrible through the day, my hands and legs were especially bad and I was on the verge of getting a migraine all afternoon. Thankfully there were positives to help me through the day, had the neighbours pop in for a little bit, which is always nice.

Made a trip to the local plaza, despite the fact I am basically broke, I finally went into Bras & Things and got remeasured for a bra, my last measurement 2 years ago I was a 16/18 DD, this time around an 18/F – these things seriously do not shrink no matter if I lose weight. So yes, bigger mammaries have no doubt been hurting my back, but a proper fitting bra actually helped. I did spent the money for it, and I noticed right away my posture was already correcting itself and I felt a lot lighter. Good decision.

I also invested in some new books, I purchased Joe Hill’s Horns on Tuesday and I picked up Wild by Cheryl Strayed (my sister has Produced the film version, can’t wait to see it), Midnight Movie by Tobe Hooper (yes the horror director) and a nice edition of Dracula by Bram Stoker, since I don’t actually own my own copy. I have a lot of books to read so hopefully these will keep me occupied while I try and relax as much as possible. Reading is one of the only things left I can do without much discomfort. Considering I am an official film critic and these conditions make it so difficult to watch a film and concentrate and then go and write a review. Doing the reviews in audio forms is much easier and I do find myself forgetting to do them. A step at a time I guess. I may just need to step away from the reviewing for a few weeks and go back in fresh. It is always hard to make that decision and to do something right for myself, as I always feel I am letting someone down.

Last night I had trouble just sitting and being able to watch a few shows with my Mum, I kept turning to my phone to be doing something. I can’t stand that I keep doing it, and it has become a natural action. I am going to actively try to use my phone less, don’t hop on Facebook as much and mainly play a few games. I actually really love playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, it is a great escapism game, I am not focusing on myself so my brain actually relaxes itself. And you know I get to be an A list celebrity haha. Hobbies are actually a good thing to have when dealing with chronic illnesses and depression, but when these conditions take away the ability to do them it really is frustrating. I love to sit and colour, but its becoming difficult to use hold a texter. I am in pain doing it and I am losing my grip. I love doing puzzles, yet I end up getting headaches, same with building Lego. My other hobby of doll collecting requires money so I have slowed down my spending there. However I do enjoy changing their clothes and posing them, and there are days I can’t even manage that.

Not sure what I will do today, the sun is out finally after a week of doom and gloom, in typical Melbourne fashion. So I hope I can get some time outside and maybe I will look into getting something for my hands, to hopefully ease the pain or allow me to actually grip things. We shall see … and a trip to the cinema seems unlikely, not feeling it today unfortunately.

Pain = Can’t Sleep = Fatigue = zzzzzzz

l-Sleepy-Panda

Talk about having a bad night, I was wide awake till the wee hours of this morning thanks to agonising pain in my legs, thanks Fibro! I have no idea when I eventually fell asleep, it was however well after the tears from the pain and after taking an ibuprofen in vain. I wound up waking up early, feeling like I had been hit by a brick wall. I had to get up, my dog Roddy needed to go out and pee (I needed to pee, damn full bladder) and he needed to be fed. Now for the last week or so, if I wake up I have been making myself stay up, even if I wake up at 6am. But not this morning, after feeding Roddy I found myself back in bed, my eyes were burning and even then I had trouble getting back to sleep. I eventually woke at around 11:30am, something I hate doing. But I needed the sleep and naturally I am still bloody tired and I have no energy.

I am hoping (again probably in vain) that a drink of d-ribose powder may help but so far I haven’t felt any different taking the stuff. I know we are all different, so I am still holding out hope. I really don’t like thinking negatively about things, but when seemingly nothing works, my mind just automatically goes that way. As much as I try to get my mind away from the negative thinking, it feels like it is on auto pilot. Last year when I was in counselling (I had to stop because I couldn’t afford $130 a week, and my subsidised sessions were used up), I was taught this method of retraining my brain (thanks to Fibro fog I can’t bloody remember what it is called), and I often use that to help but more often than not it fails.

I am hoping to get back into counselling, even if I have to fake being positive so my brain will behave I want to do it. Fear of the unknown doesn’t help, I don’t know whether it will help or not, but considering how tough this year has been and having spent two months without my mother who I live with because she was away, was such a challenge. I came to realise I can’t actually do things people take for granted, some days I couldn’t cook a meal for myself, or manage to shower, or even to get up and dress myself (I spent a lot of time in my PJs or trackies). I am making an effort to get dressed each day and not be in trackies, no matter what is going on. Today though I am in my trackies, and I will attempt to dress myself.

My own future is very uncertain, I may never be able to work or have any kind of normal life, but if I can make it out of bed and do a few normal things, I know my own mental health will be thankful for that. So what does today hold? Well I will attempt to get myself dressed, I am shocked I can type because my hands are in so much pain and I am having trouble just gripping anything, and whether I go out or not, remains to be seen. If anything I want to get some reading done and aim for a cinema trip tomorrow.

Well I am just blabbing here but it helps to get it all out and not keep things bottled up. Maybe this will give some insight into what it is like for me and others who suffer these same issues.

-Marcey